A lauded nonprofit principle is key to our mental health

Last week Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker’s administration launched a new program, Call4Calm, offering state residents the opportunity to talk to a mental health professional—confidentially and free of charge—during the COVID-19 crisis.

This announcement evoked vivid memories of my previous life as a social worker, when I was on the receiving end of phone calls—many of which were crisis calls—from individuals accessing mental health care through their employer-provided Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

In the summer of 2001, armed with an MSW from the best social work school in the country, I joined the newest crop of counselors embarking on our first post-grad school jobs.

A few months in, September 11 happened.

Our phones began ringing off their hooks before we ourselves even knew what happened—we’d arrived at our downtown Chicago desks early that morning, didn’t have internet access, and hadn’t yet received direction from our supervisor.

Calls streamed in from panicked individuals looking for their missing partners, children, parents. What do we do? they all wanted to know. No one was prepared, myself included (despite my massive student debt that begged to differ).

Ready or not, my fellow 20-something peers and I made it through. That day, and all the days that followed, supporting people whose lives had been shattered, whose loved ones had been lost, whose children were on the front lines of Ground Zero.

And as emotionally and physically taxing as that time was, I was grateful. Grateful to be in a position to help those in need. Connect people to critical resources. Experience the strength and resilience of my colleagues and remarkable humans across the country.

Personal Culture of Gratitude

Gratitude in the face of crisis is, unfortunately, a timely topic, and so while I typically focus on building a culture of gratitude within our nonprofit organizations, for my first GratiTuesday I wanted to explore the benefits of creating a culture of gratitude in our own lives.

Why is gratitude important to our mental health, particularly in times of crisis? How can we drum up gratitude when we are overcome with despair? How can we reframe guilt about our health and safety when others are suffering?

For insight, I turned to my former EAP colleagues—those who answered 9/11 calls with me in 2001 and are now therapists helping clients navigate the challenges of the current global crisis.

“It’s okay to let yourself feel anxious or fearful right now,” says Dr. Kelly Berkheimer. "It's a normal response to a crisis unlike any we have faced before. That being said, when it gets overwhelming, it's helpful to focus on what you can control.”

According to Berkheimer, who has moved her downtown Chicago therapy practice online during the stay-at-home order, gratitude is important for this mindset because “it shifts our focus from what we don't have to what we do have. That tends to shore up good feelings any time, but in a time of crisis it can remind us that not all is lost.” She calls to mind the touching outpouring of gratitude for health care professionals, New Yorkers cheering from their windows every evening, and citizens the world over dusting off their sewing machines and 3D printers to produce supplies.

Dr. Suresh Unni, a private practitioner in Oak Park, adds that expressing gratitude is significant during such times because “it leaves less room for fear to be entertained. If we’re focusing on what we’re grateful for then we’re not focusing on how afraid we are. In my experience I cannot be in a place of gratitude and fear at the same time.”

Feeling gratitude for what you do have (a safe home, paycheck, food on the table) is not the same as harboring guilt for your relative okay-ness—and many I know are grappling with this distinction. Unni reminds us that “taking on or owning others’ suffering does not make their suffering any less. That is different than feeling empathy or sympathy for the suffering of others.”

Angela Atwater, LCSW, who is maintaining her practice virtually, agrees (and not just because she and Unni are married—how’s that for a sweet workplace love story?): “Our guilt doesn’t absolve their pain.” In fact, Atwater suggests that “reflecting on what we are grateful for can help us have compassion for others and what they might be going through.”

And in Unni’s experience, such compassion is essential because “acts and even the intention of sending loving energy can only be done from a place of compassion, not guilt.”

All three agree that taking concrete action can help cultivate gratitude, even when we may be flooded by despair. Unni finds success with writing things down, starting with gratitude for basics (sight, hearing) and expanding to more abstract concepts (faith, love). Reaching out to friends, checking in on loved ones, and donating to charity are all tangible ways to make a difference in the lives of others, says Atwater. She encourages small acts of gratitude, such as offering genuine thanks to your grocery clerk or leaving a thoughtful note for your mail delivery person. “It makes a world of difference to people and can help you feel you can impact others.”

During a time when we are stripped of our usual interpersonal connections and face-to-face support systems—at just the moment we need them the most—we are understandably struggling to find our own ways to work through isolation and an unnerving cycle of moods. What an opportunity to build our arsenal of coping mechanisms. "Gratitude provides resiliency, like a protective factor, for the next time things are difficult," says Atwater. "And thinking and talking about what we are grateful for helps remind us that we are not alone.”

Many, many thanks to Angela, Suresh, Kelly, and all the mental health care professionals who continue to provide support through these trying times.

Do you know of an organization that is modeling a culture of gratitude? Drop me a line at caren@carenfriedmancomms.com.